Goodbye

 

To my sailor, 

I cared for you more deeply than I ever thought I could. I wanted to be by your side, even through your struggles. I thought my sincerity would be enough, that you’d see it one day. I stayed when I could have left, because leaving you wasn’t in my heart. You once carried my hopes in the palms of your hands. I thought you would be the one to shelter me from the storms, the one I could cook dinner for after long days, the one I could build a safe home, a future, a life and a family with. I gave you loyalty, trust, and pieces of myself I had never given away before. 

But in the end, you did not choose me. You walked away without letting me stand beside you. And the silence you left behind became a wound I carried for months, a silence that echoed louder than any goodbye.

You left without truly talking it through. You assumed I couldn’t handle your truth, that I wouldn’t stay. But you never gave me the chance to decide. You thought I would not be strong enough to handle a life with you. That wound — knowing you built a life without me — was like losing you twice. It cut deep, cut from the same blade.

For a long time, I hated the silence, the ache, the endless questions. I hated that I couldn’t hate you. I still don’t. But I’ve cried enough tears to understand something now. Every ache, every sleepless night, every prayer I whispered asking Allah  has slowly turned me back to myself, and to Allah.

If only you knew how deep my love was for you. I'd go the distance for you. I'd fight dragons and monsters for you. If you called, I'd come. But still, you let me go. 

So here’s my goodbye. You will linger, maybe always as a shadow at the edge of my story, but no longer at the center of it, never again as the beating heart of my story. I am not carrying you in my heart anymore. I am leaving you in Allah’s hands — for His justice, His mercy, His wisdom.

May He deal with you as is just. 

Goodbye.

Uncharted Waters

Sometimes, our timeline doesn't pan out the way we want. Plans change, paths derail, dreams remain dreams, hopes and expectations collapse, and hearts get broken.

The timeline fallacy, where people create a mental checklist of milestones they believe they "should" achieve by a certain age. Where they plan their entire life down to the last detail. Where the innate desire to control takes over - until life throws you a curveball.

The quiet belief that life should unfold according to plan. We draft blueprints for decades we've yet to live — but we forget: Allah is the best of planners.

And how does one cope when things don't go as planned, when life refuses to follow the script?

You let go. You let go. 

As easy as it sounds-and just as hard. 

You release what needs to be released, embracing the impermanence of all things. You accept what needs to be accepted, recognizing the limits of your will. You focus on what you can control, what lies within your power. And you forgive. 

Because at the end of the day, Allah knows what's best for us, for you, for me. 

“…But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; 

and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. 

And Allah Knows, while you know not.” (2:216)

31

Who'd knew some tragedies would befall unto my life.

Who knew I'd lose one of my precious cats.

Who knew I'd watch the downfall of what was once a big shot.

Who knew I'd finally moving on after a 5-year of service.

Who knew I'd be a proud homeowner.

And who knew I'd finally meet someone that I truly fear of losing ♥️

Hi how are you?

I wonder what ever happened to all the people I met briefly in my live. I wonder why were our fates intertwined, why were you there. All the characters that were introduced sometimes in my life, how are you?

That girl I met in a hospital when I was a little girl. We met in a playroom, the only room where we could find refuge from the intimidating doctors and sharp scalpels. She had this thick Sabahan accent but she looked absolutely oriental. She had an older brother, whom sometimes would come and spent times with us. I couldn't recall her name and why she was there in a hospital but all I knew was she was getting better. How are you really? I really do hope you are feeling fine today.

That guy I had a small chat with during driving lessons. We talked for a while, changing a few details of our lives. He was wearing glasses, slightly taller and heavier than me. We actually met again at a convention, and the last thing I knew about him, he succeeded in getting 10As in SPM. And I thought I saw him a few years ago from a far. How's life treating you? I hope you are having a good life. 

That bully who always found faults in me. How are you? Are you still feeling bitter towards life? What did I ever do to you that made you hated me so freaking much? I was just a new kid from a foreign land. Still, how are you? Have you learned your lesson yet?

My good Canadian friend, the only friend I had when I was 7. Of all the kids, you chose to be my friend, you chose to spend recesses with me, you even invited me to meet your family. Me, that peculiar quiet girl, who couldn't speak English very well. Where are you now? If I ever meet you again, I promise to never let you go again. 

That dashing guy wearing a brilliant purple baju melayu who attended my open house months ago. Are you like my jodoh? Lol.

And to my little black cat, the one that was born right in front of my eyes, the one that used to lick my face, the one who liked fancy things, and the first of my cats to be buried. How are you, too? I wish you are happier there and I'll see you again one day. 

And to the others who've ever been in my life, how are you? 

30

 

Hello.

I turned 30 last December. The big 3-0. I'm an adult now, so they say. 

Age had never been my biggest concern. As you start to step into the real world, every progress and milestone starts to become a measure for 'success'. How at some certain age you are supposed to land your first real job, or get married and start a family, or buy your first house. 

And me, how I expected myself to achieve those milestone by the age of 30. I remember getting a panic attack because I realized I haven't even started any of the said milestone. 

But looking back to all these past years, I'd say I've done well enough. Perhaps some of the planned journey didn't pan out as well as I wanted or perhaps the life just navigates a different course and somehow along the way I ended up here. Here is not that bad. Here is just here, where I am grateful to be here. 

To being 30. After years of uncertainty, self-doubt and insecurity, I finally feel more grounded. It feels like the real adventure has started, and I am excited.   

 

Annyeonghaseyo.

It's definitely been a while since my last post. I wish I can write more but honestly these days, the particular words didn't seem to be adequate enough to convey my exact thoughts.

 

My thesis supervisor once told me to never stop writing, even if there's nothing interesting happened, even if there's no story to be told, and even if there's no one reading. 

I'd be lying if I said there's nothing interesting to be told. There's so much things occurred, too many laughter and too many tears. Too many joy and too many sorrow. But I am generally, comfortably happy. Alhamdulillah.

Remind me to never stop writing. 

I'm stuck between desire to fitting in and not wanting to conform to society's expectations. 

Between being secluded in my safe haven and to venture out of the comfort zone. 

Between growing up and growing old. 

Sigh.

Homebound

As of today, my life has been restricted purely at home. Days of not leaving the home compound. Every grocery is delivered, every meeting is online and every outdoor activity is indoor. I'm basically a homebody (not boring) so the past 50-something days was not a big deal. I kind of miss doing my own groceries though.

Working from home isn't as easy as I thought apparently. Distractions are everywhere and I certainly am welcoming them. I get to use my working hours productively but it gets hard when my brain hits the end capacity, then I end up taking a nap, and the job ain't getting done, then suddenly the boss wants to see the updates, and I start to freak out, and I spend the whole day in front of the screen trying to get the job done, then I get tired, and then I decide to take another nap, and the cycle continues. I think I've strained my eyes.

Right.

So far things are quite okay. I get to read more books, I can spend some time working on my portfolios, oh and I can finally draw leisurely. It's a rare moment to find some willingness and motivation to draw out of my working hours. 

Alright then.

I drew an effing LEGO. An effing LEGO?!

Tamarind Square, Cyberjaya